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This Post Will Flood This Site With Tween Girls

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Yesterday I was intrigued by an article scrolling across my ReTickr feed which declared “Justin Beiber Did Not Invest With Steve Nash.” Intrigued, I perused the article.  The point of this is not that Justin Beiber is either a poor or an excellent investor, the point is that Fortune Magazine felt his investing choices of enough note to devote an article to. In a world where every aspect of celebrity’s lives are examined and picked apart, from their love lives to their go-to ethnicity for adopted children, one of the last places America has not turned to those least qualified for advice is in the world of finance.

Finance is a complicated field. Stock traders and financial analysts spend their days poring over sheets of data and information regarding the state of the economy (though today more of them spend their time hunting through the plumbing to find where it went after its flushing.) More importantly, the people who choose to spend their lives picking investments and stocks that they expect to perform well in the future do so using a lot of math. How did Beiber apparently decide not to invest with Nash? A pickup basketball game.

Presumably while screaming "SHOW ME THE MONEY!"

This is a dangerous precedent. Among the people in the world who could possibly be entrusted with your money, celebrities are probably the absolute worst people to allow anywhere near it. Think about it. Would you let this person near your money if they walked in off the street and said “I’ve got the best investment lined up for you!”

And this one was KNIGHTED!

Celebrities are generally famous for having acting talent, having musical talent, or having attractive physiques. Notice that none of those things were “being fiscally responsible.” Financial analysts are generally not spending a lot of time entertaining people, singing, or working out. Why? Because the financial world is so complicated that they have to spend all day watching the news, watching stock prices, and frantically yelling into the phones “SELL SELL SELL!!!” (or since everything is automated I assume now they frantically yell that into an ethernet cable or something.) Point being, celebrities don’t have the time to become highly knowledgeable in what a good investment is and when to invest in it. Asking a celebrity for advice on where to put your money is like asking ZZ Top to instruct you on shaving.

“Now wait a minute!” I hear your voice exclaim. “The article you linked to said Justin Beiber has a team of financial analysts telling him where to put his money.” True. However, the article also says that his advisors are trying to make him the next Michael Jackson. Clearly these people have no idea what they’re doing. That is quite possibly the worst plan ever concocted. Not only did Michael Jackson nearly lose his huge ranch in a loan default after nearly going bankrupt, but just think about what Michael-Justin Jackbeiber would look like!

I'm so sorry.

THIS is what will happen if you start listening to celebrities or their financial advisors. They will use the money for horrifying plastic surgery on Justin Beiber to turn him into Michael Jackson.