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The Bumper Sticker Oath

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In my general experience, there are many types of motorists. One notable class of drivers is the Bumper Sticker Enthusiast. These are the people who drive from place to place with every legal surface of their vehicle filled entirely with bumper stickers.

Maybe he just didn't like driving a grey car?

Whatever the reason for doing so, I imagine there must be some sort of club for these people. I mean, we have clubs for people who like to drive cars with strange paint jobs, clubs for people who drive low riders and like to make them bounce around on the hydraulics, and clubs for underground chinese street racers. So, logically it follows that there are groups of people that get together and compare bumper stickers. Also judging by the level of fanaticism towards multiple causes usually expressed in their bumper sticker collections, I would hazard a guess that some people take these groups very seriously.

4 stickers? Really? That's all you've got?

Most clubs have some sort of membership process. Why not the bumper sticker community? I assume the oath you’d swear on membership would look something like this:

“I, in a proud and futile attempt to communicate my personality through my fender, solemnly swear that I once affixed, I shall never remove any sticker, regardless of how out of date they are or how many elections ago the candidate on the sticker was running. I will continue to accumulate stickers until they reach critical mass. Upon reaching that point, I will attach a sticker insulting the intelligence of anyone who questions my ridiculous number of fender decorations. I will attempt to be clever with each and every sticker, regardless of how moronic the joke really is. Lastly, I swear that I will aspire to die in a spectacular crash caused by my inability to see out the back window of my car.”

All of this to say: Keep your stickers at your club and STOP TRYING TO BACK INTO ME IN PARKING LOTS!


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