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The Doormanship Major

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While looking at a college catalog recently I was struck by the realization that the format of a course description could be the perfect place to add a little of the bizzare and watch as one of the most boring things in the world breathes again as a cure for the common boredom. And so, I present for your amusement: The Doormanship Major.

Requirements for a Major in Doormanship

The core and distribution requirements for a major in Doormanship are those listed for baccalaureate degrees listed on page 24 of the course catalog. Entering Freshmen who plan to major in Doormanship should plan to enroll in DMS 121. Introduction to Doorknobs the first year. Placement in Introduction to Doorknobs is based on a strong grip and having at least a thumb and two fingers on the preferred hand. Students who do not qualify for Introduction to Doorknobs should work on finger exercises or consider prosthetics.
The Doormanship major calls for early and extensive counseling of students in order that they be properly informed of the requirements and aims of the program. Students entering the program will ordinarily have to make their decisions earlier in their college career than is necessary for some other programs.
The department assesses it’s program in part through the administration of nationally standardized examinations as final examinations in all of it’s courses or course sequences. Students who complete Doormanship courses or their equivalent should have their transcript transmitted to the Doormanship Department, otherwise the examination must be taken at the start of the academic term. A score of 50 percentile or above is expected if the course is to satisfy a program requirement that specifies as specific course.

Core Requirements…………………………………….51
Electives………………………………………………..13

Doormanship Major and Supporting Course Requirements

DMS 121-122. Introduction to Doorknobs I, II………………………………….8
DMS 225. Principles of Door Holding…………………………………………….4
DMS 323-324 Door Building I, II………………………………………………..8
DMS 326 Intermediate Lockpicking and Lock-Opening Apparatus………………4
DMS 425-426 Gender Roles in Doormanship I, II……………………………….8
DMS 491 Witty Quips for Doormen……………………………………………..2

Doormanship Electives- If A minor is desired, electives may be reduced to 3 hours………………6

MAT 155-156 Geometry of Doors………………………………………………8
FIN 234 Tipping Procedures……………………………………………………4
PHY 332 Using Doors as Weapons…………………………………………….8

Total Hours for the Major………………………………………………………62
Total degree hours……………………………………………………………126

Doormanship Courses

DMS 121. Introduction to Doorknobs I
An introduction to the science of opening a door with special emphasis on the use of different door-opening implements. Designed to allow students to identify and open any of fifteen different types of doorknobs, from the standard twist-knob to the more complicated thumb-trigger handle. Also covered is the difference between “Push” and “Pull” doors.

DMS 122 Introduction to Doorknobs II
A continuation of the previous course, this course introduces students to non-standard doors. Designed to prevent students from being stymied by complicated or doorknob-less doors. Covered are: Revolving Doors, Automatic Doors, Non-Existent Doors (also known as “Archways” in technical jargon), Secret Doors, Trap Doors, Car Doors, Hobbit Doors, and the popular 1960s band “The Doors.”

DMS 225 Principles of Door Holding
Fundamental principles of allowing the egress of another individual through a door once opening has been accomplished. Main course aims are to allow students to be able to identify situations where holding a door may be appropriate as well as how to extricate oneself from “sticky situations” (i.e. the infamous “Never Ending Line Going Into Lunch”).

DMS 322 Door Building I
An introduction to the process of designing and building doors. Course aims are to enable students to create their own egress ports in otherwise solid objects. Students will learn to cut holes large enough for a door, procure wood and other door-essential materials, and install said door into aforementioned hole, thus allowing entrance and exit. Lab Fee….$17 Chainsaw Rental……$50

DMS 323 Door Building II
A continuation of the previous course. In this course students learn to create abnormal doors, including the construction of basic revolving doors, false doors, stunt doors (for film making), door frames, windows inside of doors, doors to nowhere, doors to Narnia, and painted-on doors which only work for the first person to use them (guest lecturer……. Roadrunner)

DMS 326 Intermediate Lockpicking and Lock-Opening Apparatus
This course introduces students to opening doors which are not unlocked, or as industry insiders call them, “locked” doors. First, students are introduced to keys, key cards, and sledgehammers, as ways to open doors. Course aims then dictate that students learn to open doors when no alternate form of unlocking is present. These include lockpicking, yelling for help, or bazookas.

DMS 425 Gender Roles in Door Opening I
An introduction to the male’s role in a door opening exchange. Students are instructed in the proper etiquette for opening doors, how not to appear overly excited about opening the door, and how much importance eager young door-holders often ascribe to the relationship-building potential of holding a door for a woman.

DMS 426 Gender Roles in Door Opening II
A continuance of DMS 425, focusing on the female’s role in a door-holding situation. Students are instructed on how to appropriately thank the door-holder, how to appear mildly excited about the act of door-holding, and how little it actually means for a relationship to hold a door for a woman.

DMS 491 Witty Quips for Doormen
A course focused on correcting and instructing students in the proper humor for door-opening situations. Such quips as “How Are You Doing?” are discouraged, since they require the door-walker-througher to stop and answer the question, thus blocking the door. Encouraged are quick comments or witty remarks on the clothing, personal appearance, mood, or intelligence of the door-user. Discretion is also instructed upon. (i.e. do not say “nice haircut” to a bald man.)

MAT 155-156 Geometry of Doors I-II
Courses designed to instruct students in the geometry of how doors work. For nerds who really care.

FIN 234 Tipping Procedures
Instructs students in the proper etiquette for asking/receiving tips for their services. Designed for Business Minors.

PHY 332 Using Doors as Weapons
Instructs students in the proper amount of force to apply to a door in order to strike a target on the other side with sufficient force. Covered are “shock and awe” tactics, violent door-slamming-in-face (as an emotional weapon), and the Roman “turtle” formation adopted for use with any available campus door.

There you have it! We’re very excited to be able to offer this as a program and look forward to meeting our first graduating class of doormen!

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